


this precious ache

by Fanofthearts



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, back story, cuddles in the end, growing up lesbian, slight AU, things we should have seen on holby shitty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 21:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21363172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthearts/pseuds/Fanofthearts
Summary: "And I’ve destroyed too many friendships in my life, I got scared."
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 13
Kudos: 76





	this precious ache

**Author's Note:**

> Iordio, I really could not do this without you. You take my words and make them better than they were. 
> 
> I think we have all been Bernie once upon of time, haven't we?

“I’ll tell you a secret.” Joanna whispered into her ear. It was summer, school was finished, and they were lying on their backs staring up into the cloudless pale sky of an early August day.

Bernie turned to look at her friend, her grin crooked with missing teeth. “What’s that?”

“Today is the last time you will ever be aged a single digit.”

Bernie frowned; tomorrow would be her tenth birthday. She chewed on her lips; Joanna was right. She was moving on, getting older whether she liked it or not. Her mother told her she would soon be old enough to start helping more around the house and garden, “You’ll be thirteen this autumn.”

Joanna nodded, “I will.” She rolled towards Bernie and the blonde again found herself staring into her deep brown eyes. “Mum says I’ll get my curse then.”

Bernie wrinkled her nose, “My cousin is always whispering about hers.”

Joanna threaded their fingers together, “She also said I’ll be into chasing boys instead of being out here climbing trees with you.” She rolled her eyes and looked up at the sky again. “She’s mad. Why would I want to be with a boy when I could be with you?” She brought their joined hands down onto her stomach, her shirt had ridden up and Bernie’s fingers brushed against the naked skin of her stomach.

Bernie suppressed a shiver but didn’t quite understand why. She rolled her eyes, “Boys! Why would you ever want to hang out with them?” They giggled as they both looked skyward.

Seven months later, Bernie stood with tears in her eyes as her friend turned down another outing with her. Rolling her eyes, Joanna told her she was too old to hang out with a ten-year-old, besides Tom had asked her to go out for ice-cream.

\--

It was her second year in secondary school and Bernie just signed up to design the lighting for her school’s production of ‘The 39 Steps’. As time went on, she found herself being drawn to the maths and sciences, she hadn’t planned on getting involved with the school’s theatre, but that was all before she met Stephanie. 

Sitting in her chemistry class on the first day of the new semester she found herself placed next to the blonde. She was stylish, naturally pretty with a blinding smile. To Bernie’s stunned luck she found that smiled directed at her more than once. She was nothing short of shocked when the young woman sat down across from her. This year, instead of quickly eating her lunch and heading down to the gym for the rest of her break she found herself hanging around grinning at something her new friend had said. Bernie had friends, but most of them were the guys on the rugby team, not pretty girls.

“We are doing a really fun play this year; you should try for a part!”

Bernie felt her face heat the mere thought of standing in front of a group of people and having to recite words written for her. But… there was a look in Stephanie’s eyes. Something that made her heart flip in her chest, her stomach clench when those deep blue eyes met hers. This striking, funny, popular girl was talking to her, wanting to talk to her, seeking her out. “I’ll think about it.” She let a smile tug at her lips.

The next week found her hovering outside of the rehearsal room, fiddling with her backpack strap, fear halted her from going in. A few older students pushed by her their shoulders bumping as they walked into the crowded assembly hall. She felt queasy when she peaked past them, there was no way she could do this. She turned on her heel planning to play sick to get out of the audition when she bumped into Stephanie rounding the corner with some other girls. She recognised them by face only.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“Oh, I um. I don’t feel well.”

Stephanie motioned her friends ahead of her. “This is really bothering you isn’t it?” Her hand reached out and rubbed sympathetically up and down Bernie’s arm. Bernie fought off a shudder from the touch.

“I just- being in front of people… It’s not my thing.” She watched as the smile slid from her face. “It’s… so many people, memorizing lines...” She trailed off weakly.

“How about being part of the stage crew?”

Bernie frowned, “What?”

“Stage crew, we always need people to help with sets, lights, costumes and stuff. Even if we aren’t on stage together, we can still hang out if you’re working backstage.”  
Bernie felt a weight lift off her chest, she’d do almost anything to be near her friend. “Okay.” Stephanie linked her arm through Bernie’s as they walked together into the theatre.  
The spring was busy, Bernie trying desperately to maintain her marks and keep up with rehearsals. She helped make the lighting plan and set the lights. She learned what Fresnel’s were, how to set gels, and how to ignore the leading lady when she was whining about the spot being too hot.

Sometimes she’d look down from the tall ladder she was standing on and spy Stephanie staring at her. They’d share a quick smile before the blonde quickly looked away. Bernie always felt her heart swoop in those moments. Every weekend they went out somewhere together – cinema, hot chocolates, and once, much to Bernie’s grumbling, dancing.  
As the performance dates were fast approaching it was rare to see one without the other. Stephanie told Bernie her secrets; about her mother’s drinking, her brother’s cancer, her own insecurities about eating too much. Bernie felt her feelings grow to a fierce protectiveness she could not name.

One night after a bit too much to drink Stephanie turned to Bernie in the back of the taxi they were sharing home. It was an evening of celebration drinking after their final dress rehearsal. “I just don’t understand it, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Bernie frowned confused at the direction of the conversation. She didn’t think about it, not really. Most of the guys she was friends with where just that, friends. Much like her brothers, the thought of anything with them was almost laughable. There’d been a few who approached her with what she guessed were romantic notions, but she ignored them or played them off. When would she’d have the time? Between studying, rehearsals, and Stephanie there was no time. Besides, why hang out with a guy when she could have dinner, or go to the cinema with her best friend?

Bernie shrugged, “No time.” She looked over at her friend who sat pressed close to her side. The lights from the street flickering off her hair, making it look blonder than it was.  
“Why don’t you?” She asked without thinking.

“I do, well sort of. John asked me out two weeks ago, we’ve went out twice. Wednesday and- “

Whatever else she said was lost to the thudding of the blood in Bernie’s ears. The dinner they ate before they tried to sneak into the pub, threatened to crawl its way back up her throat, she felt hot yet cold at the same time. She thought she might faint. She turned her head away from Stephanie to lean against the cool glass of the cab, anything to try to ground herself to the here and now.

“Bernie?”

“Hmm?” She asked trying to act normal. It didn’t mean anything, girls had boyfriends. She should have a boyfriend. When did Stephanie have time to go with John? Why hadn’t she told her? Did he kiss her?

Did she kiss him? Did his hands slip under her shirt to touch her breasts? The same breast Bernie had seen straining through her purple sweater today. Did she want him to? How dare he touch her; how dare he get to kiss her. Make her smile and laugh like Bernie did.

The taxi pulled up in front of her house, she made to get out, but Stephanie’s hand stilled her. “Just here is fine.” She told the cabbie and pushed money into his hand.

“You-you live…”

“It’s not that far, I’ll walk. You’re making me nervous, I’m walking you in.”

Bernie was too numb to fight her. After the cab disappeared down the road Stephanie looked at her in the pale light of the front porch glow. “Are you sure you’re alright Bernie?”

She stared at her blankly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What?”

“John?” The name tasted heavy in her mouth.

She shrugged and looked down at her shoes. “I don’t know, didn’t think it mattered.”

“Of course, it does!” Her words sharp.

“Bernie…”

“Did you kiss him?” If she were sober, she would have left the words inside, to fester and infect her from within. “Did you touch him? Did he touch you? How far did you let him  
go?” She stepped into her personal space, she could smell her familiar perfume, the smell that usually made her weak now made her sick.

“What? No, I mean, we kissed but…that was it. He’s nice but he’s…it’s not…” She looked up into Bernie’s eyes. Her own narrowing, “Why do you want to know?”

“Because.” Bernie stepped back as if slapped, “Because you’re my best friend, because…because, us. We…” Her words suddenly left her. They stood in the dim light, both half shadows on the pavement. Normally soft blue eyes hard; a daring edge as if trying to get her to give voice what it was, she was trying to say. A challenge. 

After a pause, “There is no us.”

Bernie felt like she had been kicked.

“I went out with John because people are talking. About us, about an us. There is no us Bernie, you’re my friend but that’s it. People, my friends, even some teachers’ think we are more. I-I’m not…” A look of pure disgust over came her features. “I’m not gay.” She hissed.

Bernie’s eyesight speckled, “I-I’m not either.”

Stephanie regarded her coolly, with a look Bernie never seen before. “Good,” Her eyes softened again.

“John is taking me to dinner after opening tomorrow night.” She slowly walked down the few front porch steps. “Good night.”

Bernie stood, stone still until she saw Stephanie turn the corner at the end of the block to head home.

With shaking hands, she struggled to get the key into the lock. Barely managing she burst into the house, not even trying to be quiet. She rushed upstairs into the bathroom and  
dropped to her knees barely getting the toilet seat up in time.

The next day she took her seat behind the spot as practiced. She could feel eyes on her as she placed her head piece on, her eyes met blue from within the wings, they held for a moment before they quickly looked away.

They never went out together again.

\--

Bernie learned from her time with Stephanie. She was more guarded around female acquaintances, was careful not to let them too close, let them in. It was her third year in college before she made another close friend. She took a weekend waitress job at an upmarket restaurant in town. Rachael’s easy smile and electric personality won her over faster than she would have liked. They had a lot in common, both were med students, both played lacrosse. Bernie lightly tossing around the idea of joining the RAMC, Rachel eyeing Médecins Sans Frontières.

As hard as Bernie tried to not do things with Rachel after class, or after work it seemed she always popped up. At her flat late at night, a bottle of cheap wine tucked under her arm, or a forbidden cigarette after work. Finally, after a long shift on a Saturday night and a few stolen drinks out back she brought a still protesting Bernie to a club. The music pounded too loudly to talk. Physically pulling a self-conscious and embarrassed Bernie on to the dance floor, their bodies moulded together to the heavy base music washed over them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re a great dancer!” Rachel shouted over the music her lips brushing her ear.

Bernie hoped her blush didn’t show in the dim lights.

“I’m having a party next week; you should come over.”

“Yeah?” Bernie glanced over from where she was pouring over a chemistry book. They were in the library late on a Thursday. The blonde’s eyes couldn’t stop themselves from racking over Rachel, drinking her in. Her smooth skin, light brown eyes, her dark, almost black hair which was pulled back in a braid. She was pretty and petite where Bernie was all angles and long. She had an easy way about her, people, men and women flocked to her. Bernie knew she had parties but was never privy to an invite.

“Yeah.” Their eyes met and held a look.

Bernie sighed and took another swig of her now warm beer. She knew some people here, most even by name but they were acquaintances. People she worked on group projects with, people she’d sat in lecture halls with, not friends she’d ever done anything outside of class with before. She found herself sitting in a comfortable winged back chair, people watching. More so Rachel watching. She loved observing how she moved, how her hands helped explain the words she was saying over the quiet hum of the radio playing. She found her eyes tracing the angle of her jaw when she felt someone settle the chair next to her.

“Not one for parties either?”

She jumped, started, “Umm.”

“Me either, but my best mate Josh insisted I come, get away from the course work for a bit.”

Bernie turned to face her new companion. She’d seen him around campus, maybe in bio 104 but couldn’t put a name to the face. “I’m not a party fan myself, but my best friend insisted.” She motioned to Rachel. That’s what they were now weren’t they? Best friends. She hadn’t one of those in a long time…since Stephanie. She swallowed hard tearing her eyes away when Rachel leaned up on her tip toes to kiss a blonde man. Someone named Fitz from their chemistry lab. She felt a flare of white-hot jealousy rip through her. She closed her eyes against the feeling.

“Ah, yeah, Rachel. She’s great.” There was a lull in their conversation.

Bernie refused to look after her friend as she watched her grab the man’s hand and pull him deeper into the house. She shifted uncomfortably and turned to face the newcomer fully. “I’m sorry, I don’t believe I caught your name?”

“Marcus Dunn,” He smiled easily reaching out his hand. “Hopefully future orthopaedic surgeon.”

Bernie forced a smile, “Bernie Wolfe, future trauma surgeon, touch wood.” She slid her hand into his.

\--

‘Just friends, just friends, just friends.’ Bernie repeated in her head over and over as she looked over at Alex. It was a cool morning; the sun was just kissing the horizon as they both leaned breathless against a shelled-out structure of what used to be a school.

They’d taken to running in the mornings when time allowed, and their bodies too wired by emergency surgeries to sleep. The cool air felt like a welcome balm to Bernie’s over heated body. Her green t-shirt plastered against her chest. Three months, three months of running, of operating side by side. Of slowly talking about their lives. Loves and losses. Bernie turned to look at her, to challenge her into a race back to camp when suddenly her lips were on hers. Crashing against her pushing her into the stone wall. It was rough, hungry, yet unbelievably soft. They pulled back, both gasping for air.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” Alex’s words were cut off by Bernie’s sun chapped lips.

\--

“And I’ve destroyed too many friendships in my life, I got scared.” Bernie’s words echoed in her head as she laid on her side, her fingers tracing mindless patterns on a smooth back. It was late, the crescent moon was letting in weak light through the half open bedroom blinds. “What did you mean?” Serena asked, her fingers continued their lazy tracing patters.

“Humm?” Bernie asked as her eyes fluttered open.

Serena was curled next to her in bed. Their reconciliation of two weeks ago still raw, but tonight, finally tonight, they’d been alone. Blissfully alone in Serena’s bed. Free to touch, talk and feel. “About destroying so many friendships.”

“Oh.” Bernie nuzzled into Serena’s fingers as they traced her ear, then her cheek. She reached out, catching her hand in hers and pressing her lips to her palm. She turned over, the crisp white sheet falling lower on her waist and she snuggled into Serena. She made a vow that day, a vow to not run. She meant it, physically and mentally. “I didn’t realise it until… until us. Until Kiev, before Marcus, even after there were women-“ She paused, “I felt things for. Things that at the time I didn’t understand.” She paused, “Or maybe I did understand but was too scared to name.”

She pulled Serena down fully next to her, so they were side to side in the faint light. “It’s a long story.”

Serena nuzzled her nose to Bernie’s; it was cold against hers. “I have time.”

Bernie took a deep breath, her fingers intertwining with Serena’s. “When I was a kid my best friend's name was Joanna…”


End file.
